It's called Rainbow Gala because of the Gay Rainbows in the Happy Fangirly Sense.

Longest blog entry ever

A lot has happened since I went back home for the holidays. Met up with people I haven't seen for months, and even a year for some. It's a strange feeling to be back. I'm glad to be back home with my family, but I realized that I don't carry myself the same way than before I left for Canada. It made me understand just how much more withdrawn I used to be in high school. I used to be painfully conscious of how I presented myself in public, but now I find that I'm more comfortable with just being myself when I go out, whether I'm with friends or not. I guess it's because I don't technically live here anymore that made me not care about how people see me in public. Life just became a lot more relaxing after coming to that realization.

On another unrelated note. I have a very very slight suspicion that my Mom has a possibility of having Alzheimer's. I'm not too sure what to do about that.

On a more positive note. My pseudo-sister Yu and I met up and went to a doujinshi event today called Rainbow Gala. It's going to be a year until I get to go to one like this again since I'm not coming back home for a year. (I'm not sure what AnimeNorth is like, so I assume it's going to be a little different from a comi-ke-esque experience.)

We were a little late getting there, so the line ended up outside the event hall and into the outdoors and around the whole building.

ﾊｧ━(-д-；)━ｧ... 

After 2 hours of lining up we finally get the tickets, and then line up again (for less than 5 minutes, thank God.) to go into the actual event hall.

(lol Kuroshitsuji~~~~)

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ (the size and amount of these hearts cannot express the joy I felt when I saw these cosplayers.)

point of importance.

(nappo~)

(pickings of the day. I honestly held back this time. Hence only TWO doujins.)

(Front and bag of the bag I bought to hold my stuff. I'm feeling very attached to these circles right now for all the Oofuri things.)

I've also been brainstorming and getting together the beginnings of a rough draft of our next doujin for sale in this year's AnimeNorth. It's a Gundam00 and Code Geass doujin, or so I've heard. I only just caught up with 00 in the past month or so, but it's pretty easy to think of doujinshi ideas for it. I've decided to stick with the lighthearted stuff that I usually do, since I like drawing chibis a little too much...

(There's actually more sketches than this, but half of them probably won't make it into the doujin...)

”何で神様は人の心をそんなに弱くつくたんだろう？”

昨日久しぶりに泣いた。勉強のことうまくできないから。

ずっと後悔した　一年まえも　これからも

ずっとやる気ないだ　学校は

高校の時勉強のこともあまりないですけど　いまは一人暮らしだから遊ぶことばっかり

アニメ見たり、　絵書いたり、　友達とのんびりしたり、

ぜんぶ楽しいことばっかりだから　なんであたしここまで来たのことぜんぜん忘れた。

昨日お母さんとお父さん電話したのとき　子供見たいに泣いた。

お母さんはあたしを慰めた　

優しい優しい言葉でした

苦しいです

お母さんの言葉を優しいですから苦しいです。

”ごめんなさい”って言いたかった　

人は生まれ時全部同じ運命を持てる

前を歩く　前を歩く　

止めることはだめです　

勉強して　卒業して　バイトして　そして家族つくて
疲れでもまだまだ歩きます
ひどい人生です

あたしはそう思てる
暗いでもそう信じてる

がんばるなきゃ
がんばるしかない

“ごめんなさい”

It kinda reminded me of those cheap Christmas ornaments with fake snow that was overly covered with glitter, except it wasn't fake.

It wasn't exactly the first day of snowfall today. Granted, I think the first snow fall was actually in October, however much it resembled rain. And the snow didn't exactly stay as a tangible solid on the ground.

But it wasn't just snowing today. It was snowing sugar and glitter and the pavement looked like it was covered by icing and it made everything so beautiful it was like a goddamn fairy-tale. That's what it was. I stepped out of my film studies class after watching a series of pretty disturbing and confusing Avante-Garde films and whoosh, I find myself being pelted by these tiny shiny pieces of sugar-like-snow in the face. It's my second year since I've been here, and second year I've seen snow that I actually remember. I don't think there's anything more beautiful than what I saw today, however freezing cold it was. I literally smiled like a child, even though I couldn't feel my fingers or toes anymore, even though I almost slipped a few times when I walked back home. 

This is just a random outburst. I have a feeling I'm going to be hating snow in a few weeks.

"If you suspect yourself of hypocrisy,"

When I'm not staying in my apartment, I'm usually staying over at my relative's place uptown in the weekends. Honestly speaking, I only go because my Grandma wants to see me more often, and of course I want to see her more often too. Seeing as she's my only grandparent left. But there's something a little uncomfortable about staying at some other family's home. We are blood related, and I do have my own room (however bare and empty it is. most of my stuff are in downtown). I appreciate it a lot, the way my relatives treat me nicely, gives me free meals, and spares me a room in their own house. I have a cousin around my age who lives there, and we do share a good number of interests, enough to carry an awkward-free conversation (which I am very very thankful for. I can't really say I'm familiar with interacting with relatives my age.)

I'm not quite sure if I like staying with them in the weekends. I really do appreciate the generous gestures, but there's always this nagging feeling of intrusion whenever I'm around them. I know that I'm a kind of spoilt, protected little girl in the eyes of my relatives, and it's not like they ridicule me for it, and it's not like I do anything about it. The reason is because I usually just stay unnoticed and unattached is because I feel that anything I do will probably be unnecessary. I tend to just stand and watch for patterns, and learn from them. In comparison, I feel a lot less useless and intrusive than I did last year, but the feeling is still there and alive.

This isn't some kind of teenage angst post about how I don't feel like I belong, or how nobody understands me or anything fickle like that. It's just a personal output about my life. 

My parents back home (as in home country), tells me that once I graduate from my first degree, they would actually retire and move here with me, and then I wouldn't have to live with my relatives, and I (and my mom) wouldn't feel so lonely. (this is arguable, because although homesickness isn't infrequent for me, it usually has to do with the fact that I barely phone home, which is actually just a result of me being lazy or forgetful, which is honestly not a good excuse for being homesick at all. My hypocrisy is going to be the death of me, really.)

A curious thing, homesickness. Yesterday my relatives and I went out for dinner, and they were talking about my cousin (the one around my age) and how she's getting a stable job and earning money to pay for our grandma's living expenses soon. I thought about my parents, and revisited my insecurities of my future like an old friend. It's something not uncommon among people my age, I suppose. Will I do alright in college? Will I get a job? Will I be able to support myself, let alone my parents?  It's all really natural for anyone my age.

And then something completely out of the ordinary happened. I suddenly had this urge to cry, and my eyes began to hurt with something I haven't experienced in a long time. I don't know if it's the fact that I miss my parents a lot, or if it's because I feel amazingly insecure about the days in front of me, but it stung. Anyone who knows me personally would know that I'm not exactly the most outwardly emotional individual, so I was genuinely shocked when this biological phenomenon occurred out of the blue. Of course, no tears actually came out, I think I would rather suffer greater things than to actually cry in public, or even in front of relatives. 

I realize that I'm being hypocritical, yet again. I honestly don't think showing emotions is a weakness. I know emotion is a great thing. It motivates people, it prevents people from bottling up all their emotions and going crazy with stress, it makes people grow up. But when I think more about it, it registered to me that all these thoughts are in a third person point-of-view. I consider myself pretty lucky to not have to go through too much hardships and issues in my life that would cause such extreme emotions, and hence I can't truly say that I understand what I say about emotions and weakness. There has been events in my life so far that has made a big impact on myself, and I'm sure it caused a lot of distress to me at the time, but I really can't experience the same emotions in my memory. (Though the one thing I can do is hold a grudge for a long, long time.)

My hypocrisy never fails to amuse me.

Toradora Muses

My first time making tonkatsu today.

It was actually a spur of the moment thing after going out to buy a frying pan to make tamagoyaki (egg rolls?). And then I found the tonkatsu sauce looking ever so appealingly on the shelf, so against all my common sense that tells me frying things is the last thing I really want to do when I am completely lacking in the vegetables department in my food supplies, I bought the damn bottle (along with breadcrums and flour and sesame). 

I don't think I've ever tried deep frying anything on my own. The last time I tried to deep fry was in cooking class that I didn't pay for (my friend snuck me in) and we were frying shrimps or something or another. I also remember that it refused to turn 'golden brown'. 

That aside. It didn't turn out to be as big a fiasco as I thought it would. 

I personally think it's not so bad for a first try.

Of course, there's always that bias where you thing the food you make will always taste good, but I'm really happy for now.

I wish this guy was real so I can learn off him. I really do. 

(RYUUUJIIII!!!*is developing a girl crush on him*)

Iron Man

The movie was better than I expected it to be. I never really had a taste for super-hero movies, since it's all about generic plot-lines and painful American stereotypes. But this one was a little different, since the hero wasn't some stick in the mud mr.nice guy. 

And there was just this one line that got me going.

When changing out of his super suit after his first trial, he speaks to his A.I assistant:

"Please be gentle. It's my first time."

Yeah. Way to fuel fandom (specifically fangirls).

I don't think I'll look at the movie the proper way ever again.

SOUL EATER

Went to a gigantic sushi dinner with anime club, watched people stuff faces with way too many chunks of sashimi (it was an all-you-can-eat). Highly amused. ^^ 

I was chatting to another person from our studio, and we stumbled upon a conversation about age, and she said the most surprising thing when I told her I was 18. Most people assume I'm younger than 18 (I sometimes hear 15 or 16, and even heard 14 once not long ago...) I guess it comes with my lack of femininity. But when my studio buddy said I looked older than 18, I felt so surprised and happy. That was probably the first time in my life anyone's ever said that to me. It gives me bubbles of happiness. 

Maybe I'm actually growing up and maturing in college!!!! It's so stupid to think about it now, but it's nice to know I'm maturing. I kind of got really sick of being called a kid and being mistaken as a 16 year old.

SOUL EATER the ANIME was aired this week. I could scream and jump around in joy!!! I've watched first episode at least 4 times now. (such a geek) It's still strange for me to get used to the voices, since they were so different from what I imagined. But I'm sure I'll get to like it sooner or later. The animation itself was amazing. The action scenes look like exactly like what I expected it to be, except better. There was this one part that really reminded me of Ouran, that particular shot where Maka's Dad gets struck by Maka's harsh words were exactly like how Tamaki was shocked by Haruhi's bluntness. I'm pretty sure the colour palette for that shot was almost identical to Ouran's. I guess it's not to unexpected, since BONES did both of them. And it's not like I don't like it, it gives Soul Eater a nice touch!

Hopeful Monster & Implicate Order

Ghost Hound (神霊狩) is really one of the best anime series I have encountered this past year. Granted, sometimes I would need to watch an episode a few times to actually understand the context. But the psychology in the show is very much intriguing. (I can barely understand the biology/science terms though...)

I still remember when I first started watching the first episode, it was late afternoon and I had been plugged in with a headphone, and gravely regretted doing it. I'm not quite sure if I should compliment I.G. Productions for the unnervingly scary sound effects they use. I had to stop and take out my headphones 2 minutes into the episode. (but then again, I'm pretty much an easily scared person.)

The three main characters are all so lovable; Taro (SHOTA, this character reeks of SHOTA), Masayuki (his deviousness makes his smirks so amazing.) and Makoto (your typical badass character who has the bad family and dark past, but you gotta admit that he's pretty ahead of his age for a middle schooler.)

Episode 16 & 17 was just as good as the past episodes, and I come to share some fangirling. =D

Makoto cries manly tears!!! ='(

And here we see how Taro eats sushi in a very Taro fashion:

1. *Stuff*

2. Covers mouth like a good mannered son of the head family like he is.

3. And then proceeds to talk with his mouth full. XD

The Snark is Ishida Naoto Kaebara!!!

I have no idea why I find this expression amazingly cute.

Michio blushing like a school girl. 

Aww! Miyako! It's ok! Don't cry!!! 

(this scene makes me want to cry too...)

That aside, our doujinshi circle are having another art meet this weekend. I'm completely ready for 48 straight hours of drawing!!! I haven't exactly been meeting my own deadlines for the doujinshi, screen toning is just at around 50%, and to add to that I need to draw some designs for the pins we'll be selling and a little piece for part of the front cover of our doujin. So much to do...

Art Rambles

I've done a lot of exploration of my manga drawings since I started college. I look back at the doodles I saved up since last September and realized just how coming here has released me of my inhibitions to draw certain things. And all of this is to blame on Anime Club. (40% excuse, 60% truth) Meeting talented artists in Anime Club has really motivated me to improve, and little by little, I see myself just finding drawing more easy and more enjoyable. Though my improvement rates might just as well be as fast as Sakura deciding which order to take whilst reading from a dessert menu (which, believe me, will take a while). 

Fanart has been easier for me to draw, I find. It used to take me twice or three times the effort to draw fanart instead of original art. Which is quite strange, because people usually find it easier to just reference off an existing character than to think up their own. It's probably because my original characters are so simple it's painful, but I make up for that with a long background story, which only a select people know. 

Avatar the Last Airbender

This is probably by far the most satisfying fanart I did since fall, and it's not even to do with the glowy things. It's also kind of ironic that this isn't even a fanart of an anime, but a Nickelodeon cartoon...but it is my kind of show, Avatar is; a bunch of kids with super awesome martial arts/elemental skills. I'm just too much of a sucker for good action scenes...

Though I hate to say it, meeting all these different inspirational artists has made me draw things I would rather be caught dead drawing from some people. So for the sake of making my blog interesting, I shall be brave and show a few examples that hopefully won't come back and haunt me.

Some Shounen-ai or BL ahead:

(Avatar the Last Airbender: we call this ZUKAANG.)

This is part of a long and winding doodle page for one of my friend's birthday in November. It's a good thing I don't bother with details...

(Original)

This one was done on a whim to freak out a friend (male). It served its purpose...

(Gerard Way from MCR) 

This was another birthday present for a friend. Ok, I can't believe I actually went and drew a guy from an emo band. NAKED, no less. But oh boy, the nosebleeds this caused. I've never seen my non-otaku friend fangirl so much over a drawing.

(Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann: Yoko) I don't think I've drawn so much skin on anything other than from live models...and her PROPORTIONS are just too much to bear...

-cringes-

But at the end of the day, I still like drawing my own characters. It seems a bit boring to most, because I reuse the same characters over and over again with similar outfits, but in the end I still like drawing scenes with a hint of action, but not so much aggression or passion. Something like cool-action? (doesn't make sense...)

Yeah. It feels the best when I draw something like this. =D

-sighs in satisfaction-

Fangirlisms ii

（家庭教師ヒットマンREBORN!)

Katekyou Hitman Reborn! chapters 183 & 184: 

I think I just died and went to heaven. Seme!Tsuna is too cool for words. Seriously, how on earth does Amano Akira manage to draw normal Tsuna so uke and break-point Tsuna so seme???

And I'm having repercussions after watching the first episode of the TYL Future arc of the anime. I don't dare watch the next episodes because I'm afraid of die of excitement and the withdrawal symptoms that would follow until the next week. I have decided to wait until a good 10 or 20 episodes are out until I start watching again. 

Fangasms.

That aside.

Went to the Anime Club Office today after getting lunch, and joined in on the gaming. I'm not much of a gamer, so I'm basically always the first to die in Smash Bros. But it's actually quite interesting to watch other better people play for ages and ages. XD

So I basically did nothing productive today, but it's the least I could do to make up for the easter holiday that I don't have. 

Fangirlisms

I noticed that there is a significant difference between ice-skating in an outdoor environment and an indoor facility. A Big Difference indeed. Back when I was still in my home country, I would go to indoor ice-skating rinks, and I would be very proud to say that I am normally borderline good at it. But now that I've gone to an outdoor one that isn't as carefully maintained as the ones I've been used to, I have realized that, in a few short words: I SUCK AT ICE-SKATING. PERIOD.

How is it that it makes such a big difference?? I want to beat myself up, that ice-skating trip has completely ripped me of my confidence at skating. -cries in a corner-

That aside. My friends took me to this Anime/Manga convention on Saturday. It's pretty small, so there's not too many people (compared to the ones I used to go, of course.) I ended up buying a whole lot of fan-made pins and posters, as well as my very first English Newtype!!! It's so refreshing to read an anime magazine in English. And there were a lot of articles about Gurren Lagann. It makes me a happy person. Yes it does.

Top Row: Mukuro and Yamamoto from Hitman Reborn, Luffy from One Piece

Middle Row: My favorite Tuna Sandwich (182759) - Hibari, Tsuna, Gokudera from Hitman Reborn

Botton Row: Lavi from D.gray-man, Light and L from Death Note

After the convention, we went for lunch at this food court which was right opposite the convention center. It seems as if the food court is in the middle of nowhere, but either way, we go food. One of a close friend of a friend from Anime Club bought a few yaoi manga, and I decided to take a peek (I'm so sorry...I've turned into a 腐女子 ever since I came to college). It was so embarrassing to read yaoi in public!!! I seriously thought my face was burning. 

One of the posters I found and bought:

萌死。(original here.)

♥Roy~~~~~ ♥

It's been years since I've started liking Fullmetal Alchemist. And I still haven't stopped loving it. Is this normal!?

"Split" by Suneohair

If these dull emotions could just
Disappear sooner without a word
It would have been easier

When I gazed at you
I saw myself trembling in your eyes
My lips parted as though I had a blank expression

We went on our separate paths
At that crossroad
It pains me so much that
We may never meet again

Gathering emotions which are lacking
Things that were warmed just a while ago have grown cold
I couldn’t believe something like that
Just how long am I going to hold on to the same words
How long am I going to hold on…

When I continue to gaze at you
The seasons changed in your eyes
My new light which I’ve not known before

We will walk our separate paths
Now, at that crossroad
I can never look back again
My feelings are too overwhelming

You embrace me in the night that is about to disappear
Entangling me with your body which has grown cold
I feel that something is lacking
Just how long have I been holding on to
Lies and sighs to the point of falling apart

Gathering emotions which are lacking
Things that were warmed just a while ago have grown cold
I couldn’t believe something like this
Just how long am I going to hold on to the same words
How long am I going to hold on…

I went to an art supplies shop which was about a 20 minute walk away from my dorm. It was probably one of my favorite places to go since I came to college. It gave me a feeling of calm and serenity, like no matter what happened in the world, I could always relax in the midst of rows and rows of paper, paint and brushes that always had their distinct smells. 

This time though, I went with an old friend, Yu. I've known her ever since 5th grade, and being one year older and so much more advanced than me in art, she had always been a person I look up to. We've been told that we look pretty alike, and I guess we both took up the common misconception from our friends and called each other sisters. It's pretty fitting, since we do have similar general interests, and she is my sister-figure. We don't see or talk to each other often, because we're always swamped by our own problems (well, the problems of people around us, psychology students are usually people whose friends turn for help, we concluded after a nice chat.) But whenever we do see each other again, there doesn't seem like there's any barrier to speak of. 

Inside the art shop, we were looking through a shelf full of patterned paper. I pointed at one of them and said: "I bet Sakura would like this one." She nodded and agreed, then pointed at another sheet: "This one is pretty too." she said, and then without knowing it, we both said: "Momoko would like this one." at the same time. We shared a laugh that really felt like the rest of the world wasn't there. 

I guess that's the kind of friendship that really lasts a lifetime. To be able to talk without a barrier, to talk about the past and mutual friends without much of a reserve. Our lives couldn't be any more different now that we're not in high school anymore, but I've never felt so close to her. It's these kind of moments that ease the loneliness of being in a country well over 10 hours worth of plane ride away from home. 

On a lighter note, now that I've bought myself a nice paper holding folder and an art pad, I can take my time and draw all I want now!

"My Life is a Lie!"

I found out that one of my friend's mom has been deceiving my friend about the properties of oranges just to make her eat them. I had no idea that oranges actually don't improve your immune system, and I got confused after a while of listening to my science student friend explain vitamin C and oranges to us. Me being a psychology student and all...

Then my friend went and asked her mom if she knew the truth, and she admitted she knew the unfortunate truth about oranges. My friend was so devastated she started to yell "I don't know anything anymore! Who can I trust in this world of lies!" We all laughed at her when she did that (not being mean), and I couldn't help but think how cute her reaction was.

It seems like I've been away from home for so long, when it's only been two months since I returned to college from the holidays. And to think that I've been away from home for almost half a year not including the short two weeks back! There were a lot of moments when I felt homesick, especially when I'm walking alone in the snow. The snow really does things to people, it's so unexplainable.

Yesterday, a bunch of friends and I went out to watch a late move; "The Other Boleyn Girl". The most memorable part of that movie was the part when the whole cinema went "UGH!" at one part of the movie. But I don't want to spoil anyone who comes across this =)

On our way back, we had to cross a huge park, and it was completely covered with snow. It would probably would have been scary if I weren't with friends. But I couldn't help but feel a wave of sadness when I look at the huge layers of snow at night. Is this what they call Seasonal Affective Disorder? (haha, -slightly happy I remembered psychology terms-)

See??? Doesn't this look depressing?

But of course, me being the person that I am, I went back to my dorm and gave myself a nice serving of Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann (天元突破グレンラガン) (I will not be defeated by the weather!) I think Gurren Lagann is the type of anime that will always bring people to a good spirit (or maybe a fighting spirit, who knows?) since it's got the idea that if you work hard enough and believe in yourself, you will always be able to do whatever you wish. I'm probably really gullible to these things, but I really feel a sense of hope when I watch this series, and that's one of the reasons why this is one of my favorite shows right now. 

（グレンラガン！オレを誰だと思っていやがる！）

So It Starts

I've been inspired by a friend of mine to start blogging again, and hopefully I'll stay committed to this one, since I couldn't exactly stick to my livejournal account properly. The idea of an anonymous blog appeals to me, since I've realized that from time to time there seems to be so much that wants to be said, regardless of an audience. 

And so here I am, in all my 18 year old glory and deciding this will be the place to displace all my musings. 

I apologize to those who stumble across this blog firsthand, this may be just a wee bit boring.