Let's boil hot water!

So the ED single and character song of Axis Powers Hetalia came out yesterday, and I finally got the chance to listen to it today. And oh god these people were so on crack when they did this song but goddammit I can't stop smiling like a maniac.

First impressions of Italy's chara song:

Intro thoughts: who the hell is this bossanova-kun?? (but it's not so bad. those cheesy lines are very italian-like, lols)

PASTAAAA!!!! (kinda had the feeling it would end up like this.)

Also, I've been reading Good Omens (which I had desperately tried to find for months now. I actually did a victory pose in the book store when I found it). The two main characters are an Angel and a Demon, and they act like an old married couple, which amuses me to no end.

tsundere demon.

Also an output of my hopeless imagination:

note: these are actual scenes from the book.

Will update on something a little more coherent once this momentary high is over.

Teenage Angst

So there's this call I've been trying to avoid for a year now (or more, I'd rather not count the days). It's like a false sense of comfort to ignore it, as if not hearing it will save me the pain of thinking about things that makes me feel like I'm stumbling in a circle without finding a way out. 

But the call came nonetheless. It was so unexpected that I lost my thought bearings for a short moment. It's been haunting me for a long time. Less recently, but still there like a scar that only hurts when you touch it. I wouldn't say that I'm in a rush to grow up. But I really do wish that I can mature enough to finally put things past me. 

Sometimes I really wonder if someone can really understand how much they can affect another.

”ああー。もしあいつがスキな子があれば、どんな幸せ子だろう。”って思た。

だって　あたしはあいつの事誰より知ってるから　（知ってた）

何を言ってもあいつがスキたった事を後悔しません　（でも後悔しった）

悔しけど

残ってる気持ちはもう’スキ’じゃない、ただ失ったトモダチの痛みがする。

未来がわかりませんですが、あいつはきっと一般な大人になります。そしていつかあたしはあいつの事を知らない人（モトトモダチ）の立場に笑う、そして幸せを願う。

あいつは多分あたしの事を悪者に見えるでしょう．．．

あいつがおそらく一生これを読めないけど、言いたい言葉はそれです：

”怒らないでください、一度わがままにさせてくれ。あたしはあなたの事をあきらめてくれ。それしがないです、もう二度とあたしの事なんか呼べないでください。あなたは偉いです。そしてあの女の子たちが痛いほうどに美しいです。あなたがきっと幸せにする、あたしがいない場所に。

ありがとう。ごめんなさい。

そして　さよなら。”

でもあたしはまだ勇気が足りないから　そこまで言う。

It's called Rainbow Gala because of the Gay Rainbows in the Happy Fangirly Sense.

Longest blog entry ever

A lot has happened since I went back home for the holidays. Met up with people I haven't seen for months, and even a year for some. It's a strange feeling to be back. I'm glad to be back home with my family, but I realized that I don't carry myself the same way than before I left for Canada. It made me understand just how much more withdrawn I used to be in high school. I used to be painfully conscious of how I presented myself in public, but now I find that I'm more comfortable with just being myself when I go out, whether I'm with friends or not. I guess it's because I don't technically live here anymore that made me not care about how people see me in public. Life just became a lot more relaxing after coming to that realization.

On another unrelated note. I have a very very slight suspicion that my Mom has a possibility of having Alzheimer's. I'm not too sure what to do about that.

On a more positive note. My pseudo-sister Yu and I met up and went to a doujinshi event today called Rainbow Gala. It's going to be a year until I get to go to one like this again since I'm not coming back home for a year. (I'm not sure what AnimeNorth is like, so I assume it's going to be a little different from a comi-ke-esque experience.)

We were a little late getting there, so the line ended up outside the event hall and into the outdoors and around the whole building.

ﾊｧ━(-д-；)━ｧ... 

After 2 hours of lining up we finally get the tickets, and then line up again (for less than 5 minutes, thank God.) to go into the actual event hall.

(lol Kuroshitsuji~~~~)

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ (the size and amount of these hearts cannot express the joy I felt when I saw these cosplayers.)

point of importance.

(nappo~)

(pickings of the day. I honestly held back this time. Hence only TWO doujins.)

(Front and bag of the bag I bought to hold my stuff. I'm feeling very attached to these circles right now for all the Oofuri things.)

I've also been brainstorming and getting together the beginnings of a rough draft of our next doujin for sale in this year's AnimeNorth. It's a Gundam00 and Code Geass doujin, or so I've heard. I only just caught up with 00 in the past month or so, but it's pretty easy to think of doujinshi ideas for it. I've decided to stick with the lighthearted stuff that I usually do, since I like drawing chibis a little too much...

(There's actually more sketches than this, but half of them probably won't make it into the doujin...)

”何で神様は人の心をそんなに弱くつくたんだろう？”

昨日久しぶりに泣いた。勉強のことうまくできないから。

ずっと後悔した　一年まえも　これからも

ずっとやる気ないだ　学校は

高校の時勉強のこともあまりないですけど　いまは一人暮らしだから遊ぶことばっかり

アニメ見たり、　絵書いたり、　友達とのんびりしたり、

ぜんぶ楽しいことばっかりだから　なんであたしここまで来たのことぜんぜん忘れた。

昨日お母さんとお父さん電話したのとき　子供見たいに泣いた。

お母さんはあたしを慰めた　

優しい優しい言葉でした

苦しいです

お母さんの言葉を優しいですから苦しいです。

”ごめんなさい”って言いたかった　

人は生まれ時全部同じ運命を持てる

前を歩く　前を歩く　

止めることはだめです　

勉強して　卒業して　バイトして　そして家族つくて
疲れでもまだまだ歩きます
ひどい人生です

あたしはそう思てる
暗いでもそう信じてる

がんばるなきゃ
がんばるしかない

“ごめんなさい”

It kinda reminded me of those cheap Christmas ornaments with fake snow that was overly covered with glitter, except it wasn't fake.

It wasn't exactly the first day of snowfall today. Granted, I think the first snow fall was actually in October, however much it resembled rain. And the snow didn't exactly stay as a tangible solid on the ground.

But it wasn't just snowing today. It was snowing sugar and glitter and the pavement looked like it was covered by icing and it made everything so beautiful it was like a goddamn fairy-tale. That's what it was. I stepped out of my film studies class after watching a series of pretty disturbing and confusing Avante-Garde films and whoosh, I find myself being pelted by these tiny shiny pieces of sugar-like-snow in the face. It's my second year since I've been here, and second year I've seen snow that I actually remember. I don't think there's anything more beautiful than what I saw today, however freezing cold it was. I literally smiled like a child, even though I couldn't feel my fingers or toes anymore, even though I almost slipped a few times when I walked back home. 

This is just a random outburst. I have a feeling I'm going to be hating snow in a few weeks.

"If you suspect yourself of hypocrisy,"

When I'm not staying in my apartment, I'm usually staying over at my relative's place uptown in the weekends. Honestly speaking, I only go because my Grandma wants to see me more often, and of course I want to see her more often too. Seeing as she's my only grandparent left. But there's something a little uncomfortable about staying at some other family's home. We are blood related, and I do have my own room (however bare and empty it is. most of my stuff are in downtown). I appreciate it a lot, the way my relatives treat me nicely, gives me free meals, and spares me a room in their own house. I have a cousin around my age who lives there, and we do share a good number of interests, enough to carry an awkward-free conversation (which I am very very thankful for. I can't really say I'm familiar with interacting with relatives my age.)

I'm not quite sure if I like staying with them in the weekends. I really do appreciate the generous gestures, but there's always this nagging feeling of intrusion whenever I'm around them. I know that I'm a kind of spoilt, protected little girl in the eyes of my relatives, and it's not like they ridicule me for it, and it's not like I do anything about it. The reason is because I usually just stay unnoticed and unattached is because I feel that anything I do will probably be unnecessary. I tend to just stand and watch for patterns, and learn from them. In comparison, I feel a lot less useless and intrusive than I did last year, but the feeling is still there and alive.

This isn't some kind of teenage angst post about how I don't feel like I belong, or how nobody understands me or anything fickle like that. It's just a personal output about my life. 

My parents back home (as in home country), tells me that once I graduate from my first degree, they would actually retire and move here with me, and then I wouldn't have to live with my relatives, and I (and my mom) wouldn't feel so lonely. (this is arguable, because although homesickness isn't infrequent for me, it usually has to do with the fact that I barely phone home, which is actually just a result of me being lazy or forgetful, which is honestly not a good excuse for being homesick at all. My hypocrisy is going to be the death of me, really.)

A curious thing, homesickness. Yesterday my relatives and I went out for dinner, and they were talking about my cousin (the one around my age) and how she's getting a stable job and earning money to pay for our grandma's living expenses soon. I thought about my parents, and revisited my insecurities of my future like an old friend. It's something not uncommon among people my age, I suppose. Will I do alright in college? Will I get a job? Will I be able to support myself, let alone my parents?  It's all really natural for anyone my age.

And then something completely out of the ordinary happened. I suddenly had this urge to cry, and my eyes began to hurt with something I haven't experienced in a long time. I don't know if it's the fact that I miss my parents a lot, or if it's because I feel amazingly insecure about the days in front of me, but it stung. Anyone who knows me personally would know that I'm not exactly the most outwardly emotional individual, so I was genuinely shocked when this biological phenomenon occurred out of the blue. Of course, no tears actually came out, I think I would rather suffer greater things than to actually cry in public, or even in front of relatives. 

I realize that I'm being hypocritical, yet again. I honestly don't think showing emotions is a weakness. I know emotion is a great thing. It motivates people, it prevents people from bottling up all their emotions and going crazy with stress, it makes people grow up. But when I think more about it, it registered to me that all these thoughts are in a third person point-of-view. I consider myself pretty lucky to not have to go through too much hardships and issues in my life that would cause such extreme emotions, and hence I can't truly say that I understand what I say about emotions and weakness. There has been events in my life so far that has made a big impact on myself, and I'm sure it caused a lot of distress to me at the time, but I really can't experience the same emotions in my memory. (Though the one thing I can do is hold a grudge for a long, long time.)

My hypocrisy never fails to amuse me.

Toradora Muses

My first time making tonkatsu today.

It was actually a spur of the moment thing after going out to buy a frying pan to make tamagoyaki (egg rolls?). And then I found the tonkatsu sauce looking ever so appealingly on the shelf, so against all my common sense that tells me frying things is the last thing I really want to do when I am completely lacking in the vegetables department in my food supplies, I bought the damn bottle (along with breadcrums and flour and sesame). 

I don't think I've ever tried deep frying anything on my own. The last time I tried to deep fry was in cooking class that I didn't pay for (my friend snuck me in) and we were frying shrimps or something or another. I also remember that it refused to turn 'golden brown'. 

That aside. It didn't turn out to be as big a fiasco as I thought it would. 

I personally think it's not so bad for a first try.

Of course, there's always that bias where you thing the food you make will always taste good, but I'm really happy for now.

I wish this guy was real so I can learn off him. I really do. 

(RYUUUJIIII!!!*is developing a girl crush on him*)